A letter to God

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Dear God,

I want to know you
like you know me.
You’ve seen it all,
the good and bad,
yet you never gave up on me.

I kept seeking for some thing,
or some one
to help me past my pain.
Little did I know
you were there the whole time.

I feel you getting closer,
shining your light on me.
Giving me a new purpose,
And the courage to be honest.

I am being called
to share this light,
your love,
with others.

I’ll do my best!

Love,
Me

It must be you

Like waves in the ocean,

I’m not sure where my words come from.

It must be you God,

helping me fill the pages.

Sometimes slowly,

other times crashing down on me.

It must be you God,

forming these thoughts on my paper.

Years ago I couldn’t have,

but now I feel your grace and love.

It must be you God,

encouraging me to to push ahead.

I feel your presence now,

guiding me when it gets tough.

It must be you God,

trusting me with this task.

You’ve shown me how to forgive,

to leave my hurt in the past.

It must be you God,

Giving me this courage.

I’ll do my best to make you proud;

you’ve given me so much.

It must be you God,

Filling me with this joy.

I feel a sense of urgency,

a new found purpose.

It must be you God,

Leading me down this path.

Looking Back, Moving Forward

prayer-on-my-knees4

Here I am Lord
Face down
On my knees
I feel your presence
Leading me

I want to please you,
be an obedient servant
So please Lord
Let me know
do I have this right?

Here I am Lord
Face down
On my knees
I feel your presence
Leading me

I’m unsure
Wanting to trust
I love you
You’ve led me this far
I’m so thankful

Here I am Lord
Face down
On my knees
I feel your presence
Leading me

You’ve helped me see
Beyond the hurt
Helped me forgive
Looking back
Moving forward

The truth can be scary

I feel very vulnerable right now. I gave my draft of my personal story (that I’m hoping to turn into a book) to a close friend three days ago. She hasn’t responded and it’s torturing me. The thoughts in my head:

Q: What if she thinks it’s awful and doesn’t know what to say?

A: Maybe she hasn’t read it.

Q: Should I ask her?

A: No, I told her to take her time.

Q: What was I thinking?

A: I trust this friend.

God gave me this assignment; hopefully it wasn’t a mistake!

 

I have a (God Size) Dream

After spending most of my life trying to forget my past and hiding from the truth, I realized it was time to stop. It was time for me to stop lying and making excuses for my dysfunctional relationship with my parents. It wasn’t easy, but now I see that sometimes we must look back to our past be able to move forward in our lives. It can be hard to go back into a dark, unhappy time. Especially when the Bible says that we are asked to forgive those who have hurt us and caused so much pain. I didn’t want to forgive because I thought it meant that my parents would no longer be responsible for my pain. After understood that wasn’t what forgiveness meant, I chose to forgive them for ME. I needed to let go of the pain and begin to move forward. I believe that God has had a plan for me for a long time and wants to use my past for a purpose.

My God Size Dream is to provide hope to others who have been hurt in the past as I was. I am writing a memoir about my life as a young girl who was abused and broken. My story is messy, but has a constant theme; my hunger for a relationship with God. I believe that it is this relationship that helped fill the cracks in my heart.

As I have been reflecting on my past, I find myself shaking my head wondering how I ended up where I am today. I’m happily married, a mother of four wonderful sons, and surrounded by wonderful friends. I know that God’s love and guidance led me to all of this. I believe that God has helped me look back at my past, remove my mask, and He wants me to share my story.  My God Size Dream is to help others get to the place where I am now; a place of peace and joy.

Making all things new- it’s not too late!

It’s almost mid January, but I’m still thinking about the “new” year and what it means for me. This weekend during worship, this song really spoke to me. I wrote down the words and thought how appropriate they are for this new year and for anyone like me who wants to start fresh and lean on Jesus for help and direction.

You’re making all things new, we are free.

Hope is found, you are here; our hearts are forever sealed.

By this love that came for us, now we are yours.

As you rise, we come alive!

Your love never ending, grace never failing- redemption is calling us home!

Thanks to Elevation Worship for these perfect words.

 

New Years Resolution: It’s Ok

For years I made a New Years Resolution and was proud of being able to say that I met my goal. One year it was to balance my checkbook (and keep it balanced). Another year I resolved to run a half marathon. I am a motivated person and take pride in getting things done when I say I will do them. Nothing feels better than putting a check in the box- I DID IT!to-do-list

It’s said that you are more likely to meet a goal if you say it outloud and tell others. That sounds good if your goal is to floss more regularly, eat less junk, or start an exercise routine. But what if your goal is emotionally tough? What if you find yourself avoiding your goal because even thinking about it makes you uncomfortable?

This has been happening to me the last few months. I have a personal story to share and truly believe that it will help others. Writing a book and finding people to help along the way is not an easy task. When you combine that with the fact that the subject is personal and painful, it’s easy to say, “I’ll get to that later.” That would be fine if I hadn’t told people that I was trying to write a book. They ask (with good intentions) how it’s going. Then the negative thoughts enter my head. I feel like I’ve let others down and given up. But I haven’t given up, I’m just…….waiting. Waiting for what? Will it get easier to re-read a dark story where I am the main character?

I don’t know when it’ll get easier (or if it ever will), but I do know that I’m going to resolve to give myself the opportunity to wait until I feel ready to dive back in. God has put it on my heart to share my story, and I trust him to equip me with the strength to do it.

So my resolution is to allow myself to be ok with waiting. Anyone else?