Faith can be scary at times

I have been writing for almost a year. I feel that I have been called to share the story of my past and how I came to know Jesus. My desire is to help others who may be struggling with self-worth. Throughout this process I have had some struggles and setbacks. First, it’s not easy to put the pain from your past on paper. It forces the part of your brain, that has tried to forget, to relive the dark, unhappy times. Second, the writing process is difficult. Having a professional editor look over your work is very important, BUT, it leads to more work. My third and biggest struggle has been time. I work a full-time job and have a large family and can’t find the large chunks of time that I need to work on my writing.

There have been moments where I have said to myself, “Give it up. No one will read it.  You’re not a writer.” Each time I have had these thoughts, something or someone has come along and steered me back onto the writing path. I have prayed and asked God for guidance….. Am I really supposed to do this?

During this time I have become more and more unhappy with my job as a special education social studies teacher. After eight years, I feel unsatisfied, underappreciated, and bored and have sought out different opportunities. Most recently I interviewed for a different position within my current school (still teaching social studies, just not special education students). Honestly, I felt like I had a great chance.  My husband and I talked at length about it and I prayed a lot. I asked God to make it clear to me what I should do. After the interview, I made the decision that if I didn’t get the job, I would no longer teach and I would devote my time to writing the book that I’ve been dreaming about.

I found out yesterday, that not only did I not get the job, but they hired a brand new teacher.  BOOM, like a punch to the gut, it hurts.  So now I’m wrestling with more doubt. Is this part of God’s plan for me?

When I started this journey of sharing my past and writing about it I called it a leap of faith. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon?

Taking flight

For the last 18 years I have been called, “Mom.” I remember vividly the day I received that title. After nine long months of waiting, my first son emerged from my body and I was filled with emotion. Love, joy, fear, and a sense of awe swept over me as I held my little bundle. These feelings magnified as my husband and I welcomed three more sons over the next several years. The responsibility of raising four children is enormous and I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that there were times that I felt completely overwhelmed.

I remember the early years…wishing the days away and praying that I’d make it to the weekend. I became resentful that my husband, who went to work each morning, got to wear nice clothes and go to the bathroom uninterrupted. Those days went by slowly, but now here it is 18 years later and our first little bundle is about to graduate from high school. In August he will leave our daily life as he goes off to college.

Now as I watch my colleagues with babies and young children and hear their stories of sleepless nights and potty training woes, I can smile. My advice is always the same, “Embrace every moment, it goes by quickly.” Some will look at me with weary eyes and ask, “How did you survive four kids?”

My answer: PRAY! Pray often, pray hard! It’s okay to admit that you need help. Turn to your family and friends, but remember that the best guidance we can receive is that from our God.

This time of reflection is a bit sad, but mostly a time of pride for me. My son has grown to be a wonderful, caring young man who has a love for the Lord. He is a leader for his three brothers and although he will be missed at our nightly meal together, we are all excited for him. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for the rest of his life!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

 

 

A sign from God?

A year ago I met a wonderful Christian counselor at a women’s retreat. I was in need of a therapist and called her when I got home. Shortly after that, I began meeting with her weekly and I told her all my “stuff.”

As we were speaking one afternoon, she said that I had a story that could help others and then she asked me if I could ever see myself sharing it. I began laughing nervously, but couldn’t ignore the growing excitement inside of me. As I left and went to my car I found myself considering this crazy idea. I kept it to myself for a week and then received an e-mail invitation for Christian writers and speaker to attend a conference called She Speaks in Charlotte, NC. It confirmed that this was something God was calling me to do. I was too nervous to tell my husband in person, so I e-mailed him. Being a logical, no-nonsense, lawyer, I was waiting (hoping?) for him to ask me how much it would cost or tell me that it was a silly idea. But instead he wrote back, “Go for it,” confirming that this was not something I could ignore.

I flew to the conference feeling very nervous and unprepared. I had a skeleton of a proposal and brand new business cards and felt overwhelmed to be in the company of incredible women like Lysa TerKeurst, Renee Swope, and Christine Caine. However, I was relieved to find that I was in the company of a lot of women just like me and had an incredible weekend. As we broke into small groups at the conference I was uncomfortable telling strangers what my idea for a book was. However, I found that the more I told people about my idea, the more positive reinforcement I received. As I left the conference, I was sure that God had given me this purpose. I headed home with a mission to write a book!

In the last year, I have been writing and struggling to know if this is really what God wants me to do. I’ve prayed and asked him for confirmation. Today a friend sent me the promotional video for this years She Speaks conference. I’m in it!! I remember waiting in line to meet Lysa TerKeurst and have her sign my book. I can’t help but wonder, why out of all the people who were there, did they choose me for the video?

Is this the sign I’ve been waiting for?

Check it out!

She Speaks 2015